I actually started writing this in May & I added to it in June/July, I’ve not even looked at my blog in months but I want to start writing again, even if just the stuff going round in my head!?! I can’t bring myself to delete this, so I’m posting it.
I really wish I wasn’t writing this post but I need to put it somewhere & the reason I’ve chosen here is because I don’t know if it’s something I want to read back later or not, don’t ask me why because, right now, I don’t know much of anything.
Grief, how do you some up grief??? It’s painful, confusing, humiliating, unbearable, suffocating, never-ending & that’s just scratching the surface.
The thought of actually writing this fills me with dread because as strange as it sounds, I’ve been able to deny the fact that you’re no longer here & by writing this, I’m actually admitting the fact that I’m never going to physically see your face again, hear you talking again or touch your skin again.
Even after writing the above paragraph, I still find myself not allowing the whole thought into my head, my mind has been my saviour since the 28th April.
I remember getting that phone call & really not actually believing, well, understanding what was being said to me…I mean, how are you supposed to process the words “your mum has passed away”???
I feel like I’m stuck in a world I no longer wish to be in! I lost a soddin big chunk of my world when I lost you!
I’ve found it so strange how I have been able to literally turn my emotions off, I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like I’ve been able to avoid thinking about it too much but that has meant that I’ve not been able to think about you!
Most of the time, I feel either absolutely nothing or anger & I’m exhausted, CONSTANTLY.
When me & Richard moved in last September, I never thought you wouldn’t be around for our 1st summer all under the same roof.
One thing I’m really glad of is the fact that you’re not feeling no pain anymore, those last few months must have been so painful for you to even breath. Those last 2 days after you came home from the hospital were so weird for me, even though when I asked what the doctors at the hospital said & you told me that they said there was nothing they could do for you, even then, it never occurred to me that what you should’ve said was, they’ve sent me home to die! Every time I looked at you during those 2 days, deep down, I knew you were dying but never let the thought come to the surface. All those times over the last year or so, when I’d ask how you were or asked what the doctor said, why didn’t you ever tell me how bad you were? Why did you sugar coat it? Is it because you thought I wouldn’t be able to handle the truth or that I’d be too over emotional (which I know I can be)? You’ll now know that I can be extremely soddin calm when I need to be.
In order for me to stay calm right now, it’s taken EVERY ounce of control I have, that being said, in order for me to stay in control, I’ve been somewhat touchy with the person who brings home my sanity at the end of each day, my darling Richard. Without Richard I don’t think I would’ve survived all this time, he’s done so much for me & dad, he was there when my dad tried to wake mum up for her medication. He’s been a rock for both me & dad, he’s done everything that’s been asked of him & constantly asking if we need anything or want anything.
Richard my darling, if you’re reading this, you’re my saviour & I love you more now than I ever have. My heart is yours for as long as you want it. ♥
I can’t even imagine a future without you in it, my darling mother, I have no idea what a future without you looks like, it’s going to be a quieter one, they’ll be less songs played, you always have loved your music. I’ll miss my daily text message & the odd text asking me what time I finish work, wanting to know if I fancied a drive to Tesco or Morrisons for shopping or wanting to know if I fancied a takeaway for dinner. Hehe. Bless you my darling dearest mother.
I keep thinking back to when your mum passed away & having been with me & my younger brother when we found her, to be in that situation & be able to stay as calm as you did must have taken a lot of strength, you are the strongest human I’ve ever known.
How am I supposed to live a life without my mum???
It’s a few weeks since I started this post & my dad is really struggling, I’ve had to put my grief to the side, for now, my dad can’t handle any other stress right now. It’s so heartbreaking because a couple of weeks ago, all I wanted to do was go & cry in my dads arms & now I feel like I can’t even allow him to hear me sniffle.
I don’t feel like I’ve even come to terms with what’s happened, let alone began to grieve. People tell me that I’ll never get over it, I’ll just learn to live with it & adapt to the fact that you’re not here anymore. I find that unacceptable, how & why is that to be so???
How could you leave me, you know my soul won’t survive this wretched world without you, my soul keeper. I have no choice but to forgive you for leaving me because you’re not here for me to scold you for it. I find extreme comfort in the fact that you’re no longer in any pain & can finally breathe easy. I know you’d be heartbroken yourself by what’s going on in your absence because you always told me, the one thing about death, you were most afraid of, was the pain you’d leave behind & by golly, the pain we’re all feeling is suffocating & excruciating.
How do you handle grief??? I know people who are using alcohol & I know people who are using drugs both medical & illegal, I know people who have closed down. My dad has done none of the above & although he’s a broken man really struggling, I find comfort in the fact that he’s not developing an addiction that he’ll have to overcome in the aftermath, like others will. Me, I’ve tried switching off to everything, which works with blocking it out but turns me into a moody robot, so then I tried prescription painkillers & sleeping tablets, which worked a treat for the most part but now (Sept 18) I’m not needing anything, I just don’t think about it.
I consider myself an extremely strong woman, hot-headed & have a tendency to speak before my brain engages (although, I’m loads better now) but strong indeed but this has tested my limits, I know I’ve come close to them because I’ve had to close parts of it off on occasion in order to function, one of my biggest fears is losing my mind & the grief of losing a parent is something which I reckon could bring a person to it. I’ve had days when I’ve felt fine & then the next day I’ve been so bad that all I’ve been able to concentrate on is not screaming at people & not hitting something.
I’ve been off work since the end of April & I’m dreading going back, I wish I could just stay away for another month, until everyone has forgotten about it, people always say things like “I’m sorry for your loss” or just “I’m sorry”, we’re all sorry but it don’t make it any easier, I know people mean well & don’t know what else to say (I mean, what else do you say in those situations?) but I’m so sick of hearing it, what I don’t understand is people asking how she died, why would you ask that? Why does it matter?? That’s the question I’m dreading the most when I go back to work. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be better off getting some normality back & some routine will do me good but I don’t want normality or routine, I want my mum! I don’t care about how people are at work, why do I need to rush back?? By going back to work, it signifies that I’m ready to start living my life without you, my darling, dearest mum & I’m NOT!!!
In preparation for the funeral, I spent 3 days editing every single photo of you I could find, which turned out to be over 400, it was the most painful thing I’ve ever done & I literally had to shut myself down to do it.
How do I even talk about someone who touched so many lives?? I won’t do her justice but I’ll do my best to do her proud.
She was an extraordinarily kind woman, who loved fiercely, with an open door home to anyone, I remember as a child, our house was always full of friends or family. Our house was host to many parties & gatherings, which mum would thoroughly enjoy & nothing was too much trouble.
She could be argumentative & god help you if you started a debate with her if you weren’t 100% sure you were right about it because, the only time you knew you were right is when mum shut up or change the subject because she hated to be proved to be wrong, otherwise it could go on for years.
My childhood memories are full of laughter, picnics, parties & togetherness.
One delicious memory I have of my mum was, whenever she would go out when I was very young, she would look like a film star, there wasn’t a hair out-of-place, I remember always thinking how glamorous & beautiful she looked, I would hug her & she would have the faint smell of tobacco on her beautiful fur coat & a gorgeous smell of her favourite perfume, I remember holding her so tight & breathing her in so deep, I remember she always had gorgeous long painted nails.
My weekends were full of her singing while she went about her day. I remember occasionally hearing her & Vinnie singing Elvis Presley songs.
My mum had so strong a spirit that she was the one person who kept my soul safe, I always called my mum my soul keeper, I knew my soul was safe & strong, my sanity would stay intact as long as she was around, if ever I felt weak or broken, all I had to do was think of my mum & I felt strong again, she’s who I’m drawing my strength from at the moment. A few weeks ago, I was given a questionnaire to fill in & one of the questions was…who is my super hero & I left it blank because I couldn’t think of one but all along, my super hero was my mum. The only reason I’m able to keep living this normal life without completely losing my mind is because of my mothers strength, she was the strongest person I know.
This message is for ANYONE who’s reading this post
I can’t stress to you enough the importance that you ensure that you or anyone you care about, who’s on medication is taking them as prescribed, my mum wasn’t for what must’ve been at least 10 months, she’d just take what she felt like taking when she felt like taking it! Me & my eldest sister, finally discovered this a couple of weeks before she passed away & we took control of it & went straight to our local chemist to get them put into dosette boxes, to make it easy for her & to make sure she took everything she needed to, my mum had medication that was nearly 2 years out of date. This has taught me that under certain circumstances, people just need someone to take control of certain things going on around them, in order to make their lives safer & easier. Please, please, if you’re aware of ANYONE going through this, make sure it’s sorted out before it’s too late.
I didn’t write this post to help anyone but myself, I needed to get this stuff out of my head & please don’t take this as me being rude but I don’t need sympathy, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for any kindness but I know people are sorry for my loss etc but I’ve heard that a lot & don’t really need to hear it anymore.
Moving forward with my blog, this post had to come 1st before I did any others, I’m in a better place than I was when I started it, I have a better control over my mind nowadays.
Bye for now.