My path to God

Hey my lovelies,

I hope you had a glorious summer.

These past 18 months have been a strange time, I’ve had a disaster happen, that nearly ruined me & also something amazing happen, that has changed every aspect of my life, I’ve felt utter sadness, anger & loneliness during these last 18 months but also felt complete calm, happiness & a love so strong for everyone around me, that I felt like my heart could not contain it during them too.

My mum & one of my older brothers were the religious ones in our family, I never even thought about it really growing up, I used to listen to my mother talk to me about her God & she would use words like magnificent, amazing, ignorant, loving when she would talk about him (not all in the same conversations). Sometimes I could listen to her for ages talk about how much she loved God, she showed such reverence for a God that could do anything, I remember many times when it rained & she was wanting to go out, she would ask God to stop the rain before she left the house, sometimes, it would be 1st thing in the morning she’d be asking him & sometimes it would be within an hour of leaving but 80% of the time, by the time she would leave the house, it wouldn’t be raining anymore, I remember thinking ‘wow, what a coincidence’, I don’t actually remember when I started questioning & thinking to myself ‘maybe there is actually a God that’s looking after my mum?’

I remember my mum having Jehovah witnesses come to the door when I was a child & a lot of the times she would allow them in, her & my older brother would sit & chat with them for hours, much to my dads displeasure!

Last April, after long-term sickness, my mum passed away, it was a time that I had envisioned many times during my mothers illness. Towards to end of her life, she would be using a breathing machine daily, numerous times a day & my heart would break every time I heard it, I knew it wasn’t going to be long before she passed away but I still wasn’t prepared for it actually happening. Those 1st few months were the worst of my life & I remember being completely void of feeling, any feeling, I didn’t feel love, hate, anger……nothing!

Here’s an old blogpost about my mums passing Grief…it’s unforgiving & there’s no way to be prepared.

After a few months, I found myself being told to go to church but ignored it, I finally went around September/October last year with Richard, to check out the church for our wedding ceremony for next year, I couldn’t make the 1st service because I kept thinking of mum & ended up crying & leaving, I went back the week after & been going ever since.

There I met God & Jesus & soon found myself opening up my heart again & being able to laugh & love again.

I miss my mum, of course I do but do I wish she was still alive?……certainly not, that would be selfish of me, I wouldn’t wish the life she had on anyone, I didn’t once blame God for taking my mum, he saved her & my family from anymore unnecessary pain.