Mind dump Monday

Hey lovelies,

I’ve decided that this year (2018), I’m going to try & understand my body more, what it needs & don’t need, I’m going to pamper myself more, look after my mind more & TRY to work out what & how foods can help my body, not hinder it.

If Morning Started Around Noon

I do love thee above pic but then saying that, at work we have 2 shifts – 7:15 till 15:15 & 9:15 till 17:15, I love both shifts for different reasons, the early one because I feel like I have loads of my day left after work & the late one because I love the extra time in the morning, I’m lucky enough to get to take it in turns with a fellow work colleague on a weekly rota basis, I love that about my job.

Some days I don’t know which one stresses me out more, work or home. Me & Richard moved into my parents house last September & it was a bumpy start but things settled down. My mum has COPD (I can’t remember what the C stands for but the rest stands for Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, I think that’s what it stands for) & cellulitis, she coughs loads & has slowly got worse over time, to the point now where she has to have her commode in the front room next to where she sits, it frustrates me no end because she manages to go into the kitchen to get herself something to eat on her mobility scooter & even wash a few pots, so I’m struggling to see why she needs her commode right next to her chair?? She just sits in that chair, dad does practically everything for her, I love them both dearly but they both frustrate me sometimes, I can’t do anything to help her & I feel like she’s just given up, I’m scared that someone is going to find her dead in that soddin chair! She uses a nebulizer a lot of the time, I reckon she’s a tad addicted to it, the mind is such a powerful tool. Sometimes I feel like just packing my bags & leaving Loughborough because I feel like I’m watching her die, slowly & it kills me, honestly, the pain of it (when it gets a hold) feels like it’s suffocating me. Sometimes I just want to scream & if I knew no-one would hear me, I honestly would – as loud as my lungs could manage! I really hate the way mum & dad are with each other sometimes, they get so frustrated with everything & they’re both suffering & struggling, I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes for love nor money but dad does so much for her, yes he doesn’t always have the patience needed for the tasks but he does so much, I’ve heard him gagging as he brings mum poop upstairs to tip down the toilet, I don’t know, neither are to blame but they tend to blame each other for their mood, not outright but they get frustrated with each other. As soon as she starts coughing, my heart sinks & I’m waiting for the sound of her nebulizer to go on. Every morning before I go work, I stare at mums chest to make sure she’s still breathing. Both my parents sleep downstairs, mum because she’s to scared to go to bed & dad because mum don’t like being on her own, plus dad don’t like leaving her downstairs on her own. To get a break, dad used to go round the corner for a pint or 2 but he can’t even do that now because it’s been sold off for flats.

Why am I mind dumping this you may be wondering???…………………Because on occasion, I feel like being a selfish daughter & just running away. Also, because I need to get it out of my brain because my head feels like it’s going to explode!

I feel guilty everyday that I don’t spend more time downstairs & I can’t really put my finger on the reasons why I don’t but what I do know is that I MISS MY MUM (& now all I want to do is cry). I’d take my last breath if I thought it would heal her lungs & make her better.

I honestly don’t know if I’m going to post this or not??? So, if you you’re reading this, I didn’t chicken out after all!

I consider myself to be a real strong person but this situation is pushing me to my limits most days, some days, I go through the day on auto pilot, like I’ve got no feelings, I completely lock my heart away.

Some days, I feel like I’m working with the tiniest parts of my brain because most of it’s consumed with pain, my parents & work.

Right, that’s it for this weeks mind dump, it’s not the topic I wanted to post about (as the beginning of this post will indicate) but as it turns out, that’s what my mind needed me to dump.

I hope you have an amazing week ahead.

Bye for now.

snowflake-attempt

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