I know it’s been a while since my last post but I’ve just not felt inspired to write anything in a while! I don’t know why I decided to write about this but I just want it out of my head & thought here’s a good a place as any! It’s not something I consider secret, that warrants a journal entry. Plus I get to post a blog post which hasn’t happened in months (I think).
We all have times when we wish we had managed to calm down sooner than we actually did, times when we managed to register what was about to come out of our mouths before we allowed it to. Richard (hubby) has recently had botox in his bladder to help with the pain he was getting from the super pubic catheter spasms he was getting but it didn’t stop the pain he gets in his urethra (as I typed that, I immediately done an eye roll…oh Sarah!), he also had removal of some scar tissue from his bladder (that’s a whole different post) but they couldn’t complete that procedure as he had so much that it would have meant a lot more work for them & a lot more risk & recovery time for Richard.
I don’t know why but we expected a miracle cure, forgetting to take into account the other factors that cause him pain!
A week after his botox & scar removal was the Queens jubilee & we were involved with the local community events, Richard is now in pain & we both feel that he shouldn’t of done as much as he did & I feel like I should’ve done more to help him, we feel that it has set his recovery back! I could see the difference in him before the jubilee weekend, he was straight when he walked & had a difference in attitude about life than before the botox & now, well, it’s like he’s almost gone back to what he was like before the op…ok, not that bad but there are moments when he is (although, he was better on Monday & yesterday, apart from when he cut the grass). I love my husband deeply & feel very protective of peoples attitudes towards him (I always forget that He belongs to God 1st & only He can truly look after Him), I try to be his cheerleader through life but ever since the jubilee weekend, I have found myself losing patience with him & when he winces because of the pain, huffs because of the pain & walks like he’s in agony (because he actually will be in agony in those very moments), I’ll think things like what’s up now & say things like walk straight or I’ll snarl what’s up at him (knowing full well what the matter is), I don’t do those things maliciously, it’s like verbal diarrhea, the thoughts appear & my mouth opens before my brain has a chance to discipline itself! I got so bad at one point that he actually apologised for being in pain…my husband actually apologised for being in so much pain that he couldn’t walk straight (I want to cry when I think about that), I mean, no one has the right to make anyone feel like they have to apologies for being in pain, I don’t care what relationship you have with that person!
The one thing I’ve been praying for the most since the jubilee is that he receives healing & that my attitude changes, I told my bible study group about my attitude on Friday & was prayed for, needless to say that my attitude has indeed changed, I’m not the perfect wife, I never aim for being a perfect wife, the only perfect person to ever exist is Jesus.
At the moment in my Friday bible study group, we’re studying the full armour of God, it’s not an easy study but an essential one. Prayer helps & we all need the full armour of God against the devils antics (now there’s a blog post idea – sharing my study with you??).
I do feel nervous about posting this because I don’t want people to be judgmental of me (or Richard), I do love him…very much, I just get frustrated about him being in so much pain & knowing there’s nothing I can do about it but if I get frustrated, he most certainly does too! I’ve realised that saying those things & reacting that way is not making anything any better, it just makes me feel like rubbish & it’s not how a loving wife should act.
I read a blog post yesterday about restarting your day when it goes wrong & although I know that it’s not actually possible to restart your day, a bad day can (almost always) be salvaged. One of the things suggested was to make your favourite drink & I suddenly thought…’what a fabulous idea’, the act of making any kind of drink requires focus, concentration & calm, not to mention, actually drinking the drink…I would suggest making something you find comforting.
Things I struggle with are –
Over stimulation – clutter, busyness, loud noises, too many questions at once/to many decisions to make at once
When I feel out of control
Richards pain management
Sugar! – I’ve added this because my sugar consumption is ridiculous & my body is in constant pain, my sugar consumption being largely to blame!
Things that calm me –
Singing – I absolutely love to sing
Focused prayer (I don’t always do focused prayer)
Adopting the correct perspective to the situation (after all, Jesus died a criminals death for me)
If you’ve read this, it means I actually had the nerve to post it because right now, I’m doubting myself!
I hope you have a fabulous week.
Bye for now.