I hope you’re all having a fabulous start to 2019. I for one am glad 2018 is over, it was the worst year of my life but also my best year in a way too.
I wanted to write a blog post about closing the door on last year, the good & the bad because I knew that if I didn’t, I’d never write another blog post again.
Let’s start with the bad shall we…
2018 was the year my mum passed away on April 28th, the day after my birthday, please don’t assume that my future birthdays are ruined because I truly don’t think like that. I still don’t know how to process it, let alone deal with it, I still expect her to walk in the door on the odd occasion, sometimes I even forget she’s gone & I often think of her as still being here, I suppose, in a way, she always will be.
It’s Jan 26th 2019 as I’m writing this & I had a dream about her last night, I dreamt that I walked in the house & there she was hopping around bottom of the stairs pulling on either tights, trousers or shoes, she was telling me something repeatedly, like she desperately wanted me to know what she had to say & I wasn’t listening, for some reason, I felt scared & I just started screaming for Richard (my fiancée) who didn’t come, neither did dad when I shouted him too, I went to find dad, he’d just woke up, I told him, we went to find her & she was still where I left her, me & dad took an arm, I couldn’t tell if mum was crying or not & I felt like dad was just trying to get her comfortable but I was trying to get her out of the house. Two things I don’t understand (apart from the whole meaning), why would I be scared of her & why would I want her to leave the house?
I felt like 2018 was full of illness, I felt like I was surrounded by it & that everyone I loved was ill in some respect. Richards mum was diagnosed with cancer in her leg, she’s had an operation to remove it, we’re waiting on the results to make sure they got it all.
I lost the will & urge to write blog posts last year, at one point I thought about using my blog as a kind of therapy for losing mum & just write about my feelings about it & what I was going through but I didn’t want my blog to be full of sadness & pure, sheer pain because it would have been. It pains me to say that I even considered deleting my account, that’s one of the reasons I stayed away from it, I didn’t want to do it out of impulse one day because I knew I’d want to get back to blogging eventually.
Around the end of last summer, I was put in a position at work that I never (EVER) wanted to be in & I had the most trying time ever. I was put in a new outlet & with me came a lot of new changes for the staff already established there, bearing in mind that none of the changes were my decisions, I’m a member of staff who, for the most part (I’m not perfect), follows the rules & as a supervisor, I try hard to make sure other people do, I’m not a forceful person & I don’t like conflict, I think people took advantage of that. I play as fair as I can but with every single change, I felt challenged. I felt ignored, a lot. Some people just don’t handle change as well as they think they do.
Now for the good stuff…
After the most horrendous start in the new outlet, things have evened out for the most part, I still have times when I feel a little challenged, the only difference now is that I don’t take it personally & don’t feel like it’s a personal attack towards me anymore, we work through the challenges & I’ve learnt not only to not just give in but to also compromise a little. I work with a team of amazingly hard workers, we’re at the end of our exceedingly busy exam period & I’m not exaggerating when I say, my mind is like mush & if I never see another, sandwich, panini or ciabatta for the rest of my life, I’d be perfectly content. Every member of staff that’s been a member of our team over this exam period has worked so hard, yes, not all to the same speed as others but I’m a strong believer in that, every human is different, we all learn & work at different paces. I try hard to find a person’s strengths & play to them, I don’t always get it right 1st time but I get there in the end. This exam period has shown how a whole uni campus can come together to make magic happen. It’s been like a well oiled machine.
I also don’t believe it’s all about money either, the students & staff are fed, watered & happy, we have a laugh with them & in a library that’s open 24hrs a day through exams & you’ve been studying all night, that’s what you need.
Last year taught me a few things about myself. It shown me just how strong I am, that I’m bloody good at my job (as long as I don’t work 10 days straight, lesson learnt), it also shown me that I’m actually capable of doing the things people have been telling me I can do for ages, I also know that I’m a none smoker forever now, because if losing my mum isn’t going to make me smoke, nothing will.
2018 gave me a kind of emotional freedom, I’ve always been too embarrassed to cry in front of anyone before but last year, I didn’t get to choose when I got upset, it would just appear – at home with Richard or at work, I spent a lot of mornings walking to work in tears, thinking about mum last year.
I spent a lot of time with the people I love, not all of as much as I’d like but more than usual. I’ve always known how precious people are but 2018 hit me with a sledgehammer with that fact.
Last August, me & Richard went on holiday to a place in Greece called Pefkos, it’s a little piece of heaven, we went with my sister, brother-in-law & dad. It was amazing & we loved 99% of it.
In Autumn last year, I started going to church with Richard, it started with a sunny Sunday morning, when I took Richard to go & see what the church was like because we want to get married in a church, my niece turned up to that same service for the 1st time since last Easter, she still comes with her daughter to most Sundays too. I didn’t last the full service that 1st Sunday, I kept thinking about mum (she truly believed in God & would have daily conversations with him), I got upset & I felt to embarrassed to stay, I did go back the Sunday after & I’ve been going every Sunday since, unless I’m at work or we’re in Lincoln. It brings me peace, contentment & it makes me happy. I still don’t feel I know how to pray correctly but I do daily devotionals, right now I’m doing a couple on giving thanks & new believers, they have lots of different devotionals & I’m excited to do some new ones. I try to remember to be more gracious & soft in my words & actions because I’m a taurus & true to my nature, I used to be like a bull in a china shop & I was terrible for speaking before engaging my brain, Richard knows me so well, he knows that if I’m feeling out of sorts & he gets a snap response from me, that’s not actually my true response, I struggle to be calm & concise when I’m stressed &/or brain fried but last year shown me that I can be boss of my emotions because if I can be at work with a broken heart, an emotional mind, stressed because of what I’m going through at work & still be calm enough to be professional, I can control my emotions & mind to do anything, sometimes, I just have to work a little harder. I learnt how to switch my heart off last year & still be able to feel emotion without it controlling me a lot of the time, not all the time but for the most part.
Moving forward in 2019…
I did a personality questionnaire a couple of weeks ago, turns out that I’ve got a rebel personality, not just against others but also against myself, it actually made sense to me so much, so many times over the years, I’ve really wanted to do something but ended up giving up & sabotaging myself.
I’m hoping that now I have this knowledge, I’ll be able to get better at disciplining myself to do what needs to be done & what I want to do, rather than take the easy route option.
This year, me & Richard are planning our wedding & that includes getting healthier, what that will look like, I’ve no clue.
I’ve got so many blog post ideas coming up, like sharing my wedding planning, sharing my healthier habits journey & others like, I want to share my favourite things with you again, like I did when I 1st started blogging. I want to do more diary blogs. I also want to feel like I’m able to blog about losing mum when I feel the need to without worrying it’ll put people off coming back to my blog.
Well, that’s all for now. I hope you have a glorious week.
Bye for now.
~ Live Life With A Smile ~