Addiction, Personal

If I could change one thing about myself, THIS, would be it……………….

Everybody has that one thing about themselves they would change in a heartbeat!

I’ve gone through my life with little regret of anything, I’ve always been one of those, oh well never mind kind of people but…………….I don’t know, since I’ve turned 40, I seem to have developed feelings of regret……………………………..

  • I regret getting married so young (I got married when I was only 21 & that was WAYYYYY to young!).
  • I regret not finishing school.
  • I regret not finishing the things I started over the years – courses mainly!
  • I regret dedicating over 10 years of my life & money to slimming world when it clearly wasn’t working for me!!!
  • Even taking all of these things into account, I don’t regret any of them enough to lose any sleep over but the one regret I have that does hold the most power over me & has had me in tears many times over the years & that is developing a sugar addiction & an addiction to bad food!!! I have one hell of a horrendous sweet tooth!

My sweet tooth has a bloody lot to answer for & it doesn’t help when the person with the addiction is a stubborn sod……………….once about 16 years ago, I had a king size twix & I opened it with the intention of giving a stick to my mother but as I opened it, she said to me “you don’t need all that Sarah, I’ll have one of them”, to which I proceeded to eat both sticks just to prove I could (how stupid), I didn’t even want both sticks!!! I can be stupidly stubborn!!! The only person that hurt was ME!

The one thing I wish I could change about myself is my lifestyle & my addiction to bad, fast & easy to cook/make foods!

In an average day, I can consume so much chocolate that I’m actually to embarrassed to list it for you! I’ve lied to people about the amount I’ve eaten, I’ve eaten it on the quiet so nobody knows I’ve had any, I’ve lied to people about my sugar consumption (writing this right now is making me want to just sit & cry!), I don’t know why I eat it? I’ve always thought I was just to weak to kick it & to lose weight & get healthy but I managed to quite smoking (which took every ounce of will power I had), I just don’t get it!!!

The stupid thing is I actually prefer the taste of fruit & healthy food, I love a homemade fruit smoothie & when I eat a healthy meal or desert, I feel so happy & pleased with myself. I got no idea why I eat the chocolate instead! The only thing I can put it down to is my addiction to sugar & pure fat ass laziness!

People think I’m happy but I’m not a lot of the time & I hate myself most of the time because of the lack of willpower I have when it comes to what I eat & my lifestyle!!

I’ve never been this open about my sugar addiction & bad food consumption…………………please don’t judge me!!!

Why am I bothering to tell you this you may ask yourself, well……………..it’s now reached a point where I’m actually scared that I’m slowly killing myself! My body hurts every single day, I have panic attacks (not bad ones but they’re there), I’ve put more weight on & my ankles are really feeling the extra weight they have to carry, I’ve suffered with my right ankle for years – I twisted it numerous times growing up & now it just struggles sometimes, especially with this weight but now my left one’s starting to hurt, I suffer with headaches most days & I suffer with heart palpitations now too, along with tingling in my arms & fingers! I’m scared that I’m going to end up dead & my last meal will be soddin chocolate/sugar related! I feel angry & stressed most of the time & it doesn’t take much at all to make me bad tempered!! This is going to sound REALLY stupid but I’ve even cried because of my sugar addiction WHILST eating a bar of chocolate…………………………..now then, how’s that work????????????????

I REALLY want to change the way I eat, I want to ease my body pain & I want to live a healthier lifestyle but I REALLY have no clue what to start with 1st, (goodness me Sarah, now that just sounds stupid!).

I don’t know whether to join a gym, get a personal trainer or hire a personal at home cook (no, that last one was a joke but how cool would it be?? Hehe). I feel like if I ask anyone to help me, they won’t take me serious enough because they’ve heard it all before (NUMEROUS TIMES), they won’t have time & it’ll cost too much money! Yep, one thing I’m very good at is coming up with excuses not to do stuff!!!

I was a member of a gym about 5 years ago & I loved it, they actually told me to stop coming so often! Hehe. I own a treadmill & rowing machine but only used them for the 1st 2 (ish) solid months of owning them, then it slowed down & now I’ve not used them in about 2 years! I’ve always loved swimming!

After spending the last 2 hours writing this, I’m now debating deleting it & not posting it at all………………if you’re reading this though, I managed to swallow the fear & pressed publish (well, schedule! Hehe).

I truly feel that if I could just change the way I eat & make steps to become more healthy, everything else in my life would improve! Even my sex life suffers because of it (TMI I know but it does!), Richard is amazing & loves me regardless but I can honestly say that I’m a feeder & that even he’s put weight on & eats more rubbish since he’s met me, he NEVER buys rubbish food unless I ask him to. Sometimes when I look at him, I think to myself……………..if you’d never met me, you’d never put on all that extra weight!!! I really do love him, he’s my soul mate but I really dislike myself for feeding him all the rubbish food since I’ve met him, now I’m not totally clueless, I do know that he’s an adult & he makes his own decisions but everyone knows that food is a big thing in life & that the tastiest foods are usually the worst for you & when it comes to meal times, we are the worst at deciding what to eat & we’ve NEVER got healthy stuff to choose from, well………………………that’s quick & easy to cook.

It’s so hard to write something so raw with Richard sat not 4 feet away & not to just sit & cry!

How the hell do you change over 16 years worth of habit???????????????????

I’m lactose intolerant & Richard’s wheat intolerant but neither of us really make the effort to watch for the ingredients, I only use lactose free milk & cream, I also only have extra mature cheese but I still eat chocolate & we never bother to get wheat free products, if I bake anything (or attempt to), it’s with coconut flour & always been a fail, so next time I’m going to use gluten-free flour!

I feel like I’m rambling & going off track now so I’m stopping here.

What did I want to get out of writing this………………………in all honesty – I don’t know, I just feel that getting this stuff out of my head will make it easier to deal with & to make a start on sorting it out, goodness knows how but I’ll be documenting what I get up to & how I’m getting on, along with how Richard’s handling everything (bless him. I love you so much baby, thank you for being YOU).

Surely I’m not the only one that suffers with this stuff??? If you too have an addiction to sugar & bad food that you feel literally rules your life sometimes, please don’t leave me feeling like I’m the only one!!!……………………………………………..

I hope you’re having a fab day whatever you’re doing.

Bye for now.

Love Sarah Mx

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s