The pain of wanting a baby

I didn’t know how to start this post, I really don’t know why though because I’m not usually stuck for words?

This subject has caused me so much pain & heartache over the years, this is the one thing that has caused me self hate & regret because I didn’t do something sooner.

I was stupid enough to let 1 hospital visit stop me in my tracks – about 15 years ago, me & my then partner went to the hospital, so I could have my fallopian tubes checked out because we were beginning our infertility investigations & I was told they were blocked, I just burst into tears, that is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through (up until last year), it very nearly broke me, I was thinking like – that’s it, I’ll never be a mother, I’m going to be spending my life childless, my mind was going overdrive with all the negativity & I couldn’t control it or stop it, I couldn’t even slow it down. I didn’t leave the house for weeks for fear of seeing a pregnant woman or a baby because every time I did, I wanted to either cry or punch the poor pregnant woman! Crazy I know but that’s how I felt. Not long after that appointment, I found out my neighbour & friend was pregnant. I was always in pain, every day, I felt like I was in mourning for something that I never had, how can you miss something you’ve never had? But I did! The amount of times I would just sit & cry, I would be crying myself to sleep some nights (it’s amazing how you can live with someone, be going through so much & they notice NOTHING!!). Sometimes, I didn’t think I’d survive the pain, my heart broke every single time I saw a pregnant woman or a baby. After I’d gotten over the worst, I realised how close I came to complete destruction & it terrified me, I vowed that I would never let my mind do that to me again (& so far, I’ve managed it, albeit, I haven’t had to confront any of those dark feelings since then but I reckon I’m strong enough to handle them now), the sad thing is though, in order for me to get over it, I literally had to turn my heart to stone & made myself indifferent to anything to do with kids, babies & pregnancies, I wouldn’t even celebrate any of the kids birthdays, bad I know but it worked, for the most part anyway but every now & then, I could feel the feelings bubbling away under the surface but I managed to handle them. A huge part of me is glad I lived away from my family & friends because they wouldn’t have recognised me & some of them were having babies while I was going through that & I wouldn’t have wanted them to be put through it! I moved back home just under 8 years ago & not long after that, the relationship ended & you know what, my nieces kids played a massive part in helping me get through that, although they’ll never know it! Children have played a massive part of my life, I’m 1 of 7 & the only one that don’t have any children (saying that made me sad but I’m not going to cry). People around me seemed to be getting pregnant all the time, I love my family dearly, so to feel anger & dislike to any of them for getting pregnant was so annoying to me, it was almost like I was feeling – how dear you let yourself get pregnant when you know I can’t – kind of feeling, how selfish of me?? I decided that the only way to control & get over it was to squash the feelings, completely throw myself into their pregnancies & to be present with them, it worked, those horrid feelings faded to barely present & I managed to fake till I made it (pardon the phrase)!

All these years later & I met Richard (who I adore) & he too has had his own baby making struggles in the past. When we decided that we were going to try for a baby, I had to tell Richard about my experience & what I went through because even though those feelings didn’t affect me for the most part, I still get knots in my belly & feel a little sick when I find out that someone I know is pregnant, those horrid feelings I had back then are safely under lock & key but I had to let him know what happened, if only to warn him that in an extreme case, it could happen again, although, I’m a lot stronger now than I was back then & Richard is a lot more of an emotional rock than my ex was! We have decided that this year (2017) is the year we’re going to get pregnant, it’s not going to work without fertility help, that much we know. We did go to the doctors a couple of years ago to ask about where to go for help & to see how blocked my tubes were & if they could be opened in any way, they sent me for a scan & would you believe that they WEREN’T BLOCKED, apparently all women have blocked tubes at some point in their lives, SO WHY DIDN’T THEY TELL ME THAT ALL THOSE YEARS AGO??? I left that appointment feeling so angry & pissed off with the NHS system (thank goodness for our NHS system), I felt myself again not wanting to be around pregnancy & babies but this time I knew what was happening to me & nipped it in the bud before it got out of hand, Richard is my rock – I love you Richard, you’re amazing & you help me so much.

I really don’t know why but throughout all the years of me going through this pain (even now, I occasionally struggle with it but not often, on the whole, I actually get excited when someone I love is bringing a new little person to the world), there’s been one dear nephew who I’ve actually managed to build a solid strong 100% percent natural (because a lot of the time over the years, I’ve had to force it until it’s come natural, that’s what happens when you turn your heart to stone to survive) loving relationship with, even from a baby, I’ve no idea why but I fell in love with him at 1st sight & have adored him ever since, even when his mother has a good reason to be angry with him, I feel annoyance at her for moaning & annoyance at him for giving her reason to! I don’t expect he’ll ever read this but incase, one day, he does (you’ll know who you are) – you’ve made my childless life so far so much more bearable & you’re the closest thing I’ve had to a child, I don’t know why my heart picked you but I’m glad you were so willing to let me in so deep into your affections & love, you give me a cuddle on command & always have, even now, you’re still willing to give me a huge bear hug of a cuddle (getting any kind of affection off the nephews in my family is like getting blood out of a stone). You have grown into a very fine young man & I’ll never forget when we used to watch Lazy Town together when I would babysit & we’d be singing the theme tune! Hehe. You don’t know this but because of those memories I have of us doing that, I can still sit, watch Lazy Town, enjoy it & occasionally sing the theme tune. Hehe. Love you lots my sweet darling, always have & always will.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not craving those sleepless nights (I’m pretty attached to my bed & my sleep) or the blowouts in a fresh clean nappy, you know the ones where your hands literally get covered in poop?! But you know those times when you kiss your babes tiny hands or blow raspberries on their tiny feet? They’re the times I crave! When you’re changing your babys nappies, letting them have some nappy free minutes & blow raspberries on their bellies just to hear them giggle, they’re the times I crave. The magic of christmas through your childs eyes, they’re the times I crave! I am obviously willing to take the rough with the adorable.

Our next step is to have a semen test for Richard & a fallopian tube/ovarian scan for me. Also, we have to do a lot of ground work 1st, we’ve both got weight to lose, I’ve got to lose about 4 stone & Richard has got to quit smoking. I keep telling myself “you’re so weak, stop eating that sodding chocolate”, not only is it going to make me fatter but it’s going to hurt my body because of my lactose intolerance, when what I should be saying is “you know you’re a strong woman Sarah because you quit smoking & haven’t looked back (until I get drunk as it turns out, I didn’t have one but I wanted to for a second), so you can say no to that chocolate”!

I know I can do this but, here’s the thing, I know what I need to do & here’s where I go wrong, I’m not very good at getting on with stuff if components are missing, I like to have everything in place – meaning, I need to lose 4 stone, I know this, I also know that not only healthy food choices are going to cut it, I need to also exercise, we have a treadmill, I really do love the treadmill – to come home from work, get my sweats on & have some me time on it, I used to spend ages on it, next to an open window, watching Poldark or Pride & Prejudice in our spare room, sometimes, me & Richard would go in there together one of us on the treadmill & one on the rowing machine we have, which is now buried under a heap load of stuff, we can’t even get in our spare room, let alone have a relaxing workout, so my line of thought right now is, I’ll just keep eating shit until I can get on the treadmill (oh Sarah, you are an idiot, get a grip!) I just need to sort through the shit ton of charity bags in their & actually get them took to the charity shop! If anyone needed to stay over, they’d be sleeping on the landing! Hehe (RAMBLING Sarah!). I’m not a fan of exercise classes as a rule, I tried a class called clubassize last year & loved it. I’d love to try yoga. I think I’m going to have a search on YouTube, to see if I can find any channels for yoga & clubassize classes I can do in my lounge, it’d save me money & the embarrassment of not being able to do every single move!

I want to record our journey the best I can on here, who knows, in a couple of years time I could be putting up a post about my babys 1st birthday or how I’ve been covered in poop & I have sore nipples from breastfeeding (instantly thought of my darling niece who passed out from the pain at my other nieces wedding when she attempted to ease the pain of her sore nipples from breastfeeding by dipping them in cold water in the hotel room, bless her heart).

I’m willing to try anything that’s going to help us but at the same time, hoping to try & be as natural as I can through this whole process but I do know I’m going to be having a shit load of tests & chemicals. I have (undiagnosed) PCOS, apparently, when my blood test came back & doesn’t show that I have PCOS but I have most of the symptoms – mood swings (I feel annoyed, anxious or both a lot of the time, I react to most things & say things without thinking, then feel crushed with the guilt of it & I can cry at most things, some days it’s like I’ve got constant PMT), hard to lose weight, constant sugar cravings, hair in unwanted places (how many women do you know, have bloody hair on their belly??), I don’t so much now but I used to have horrendous period cycles, sometimes, I’d be on my period for like, 6 months, my periods are not to bad now, sometimes I can be having a period for about 14 days in one cycle & then I’ll be 14 days late on the next cycle, I’ve never been able to chart my cycles! I don’t want to have anything that’s going to affect my hormones too much unless I have to!

I feel my 1st step has to be to slay my sugar dragon, It’s controlled me for long enough & now it’s just being cocky! I feel like I need to do a detox to get the sugar out of my system (start with a clean slate as it were)!

Things I want to know more about are –

  • PCOS
  • How to handle stress & anxiety
  • Meditation
  • Hormones
  • Eating healthy (organic & natural where possible but I’m not giving up meat)
  • Using products that are as natural & organic as possible
  • Healthy detoxing
  • Learning to breath properly
  • Positive thinking
  • Mindfulness

If you know of any websites or/& books that could help me with any of these things, then please let me know, I’d be so grateful. The internet is so resourceful but when you’re looking for info on 1 specific subject, it’s like a labyrinth & you never know which turning (link) to choose next!

Bye for now.


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