I’m warning you now, this post is EXTREMELY personal to me & some of the things posted will shock some but not surprise others!!
In October 2011, I met the most amazing man ever, little would I know that he would turn out to be the person who’s lived inside my head for like………..forever! (I finally found him!).
He’s a wonderful, caring man & would go out of his way to help anybody. He’s got a heart of gold, although incredibly annoying on occasion (hehe) & he knows me a lot more than I’d like at times! He he. I find his look on life refreshing, if on occasion somewhat frustrating. I’m not the most patient of people………………I WANT IT YESTERDAY! I don’t like it when stuff don’t work the way it’s supposed to & when things don’t go the way I planned for it to but since knowing him, things just don’t bother me as much as they used to & I find I can handle anything as long as he’s around………….honestly, I’m not kidding, life could throw me ANYTHING & as long as I’m in reach of him, I could handle ANYTHING!
So, why then am I writing this post you may be thinking?? Well…………….He has medical issues – he’s borderline bipolar, has a personality disorder (he can struggle in big social gatherings, people may notice that he’s not very good with eye contact & that’s one of the reasons why), he’s diabetic & he’s dyslexic, hates it when stuff isn’t spelt how it sounds or as he puts it……………..how it’s supposed to be spelt! He has trouble sleeping numerous times a month. He has his down days, especially when his medical issues stop him from doing what he wants to do! He calls our bed his safe place, to which he retreats when life pisses him off. He takes around 40 tablets a day (obviously not all in one go), including mental health pills, pain killers & sleeping tablets, he also takes liquid morphine as & when he needs it. He’s going to be having a super pubic catheter fitted this year, that he may end up having for the rest of his life but guess what…………he’ll still be able to live his life & our dreams won’t change).
Why do I call it my white elephant in the room???………………….because, over the course of time, whenever anything medical is mentioned in conversation with anyone, whether it’s about him or not, my defences go up & I’m immediately on my guard, I tend to switch off from the conversation &/or try to change the subject, I automatically expect the remarks whenever his name’s bought into conversation or anything medical is bought up now! I’m sick to the back teeth of people judging & defining him by his medical issues, it’s got to the point where I’ve just stopped even telling people about his appointments & even talking about him in general because whenever I do, I get medical remarks or comments like how’s he going to be able to do that if he’s always ill (we’re just starting down the fertility road & I’ve even had someone say “how’s he going to be able to do that if he’s always ill?)?? NEWS FLASH……………HE’S NOT ALWAYS ILL. All I want is for people to see what I see & to love the fact that he makes me whole & happy, he’s hard-working & has lots of passions, he’s hilarious, sarcastic & has me in stitches everyday.
I feel like I’m surrounded by ignorance!
I finally find myself open to talking about his issues & answering any questions people may have but people clearly are not aware of the fact that EVERY SINGLE TIME anyone makes a negative comment about his medical issues…………..like, what’s wrong with him NOW, what’s he going hospital for NOW, is he ever well, why/how did you end up with someone with so many medical issues, you’ll end up being his carer & he’ll not be able to do anything for himself……………it makes me so sad, they don’t realise that it doesn’t make me question him or our relationship (although, it used to), all it does is make me question them & not want to be around them at all, EVER, I’d rather just stay away from them than have the risk of them throwing a negative comment my way about it!!! The amount of times I’ve wanted to cry for him because of the negative comments I’ve had or the things I’ve heard, there’s been times when I’ve wanted to just go to someone & scream about it or have a rant about it (of course it’s drove me made on occasion but I dread to think how he feels in those times) & not bothered cause I know that all I get is judgement & I end up feeling like…………why do I bother opening my mouth!!! I say an awful lot of “I’m fine” in my life, when there’s been occasions when all I’ve wanted to do is say, “do you really want to know how I’m feeling???” well,…………………& just reel it all off!! But the thought of the negative comments just puts me off, so I’d rather just swallow it & say I’M FINE!!! Why can’t people just listen & be constructive???.
Writing this post was one of the hardest things I’ve EVER done in my life!!! Well………….actually, writing it was easy, although I did change it (one way or another) 4 times, posting it was the hardest thing! BUT…………….if you don’t do something that makes you nervous every now & then, what’s the point??? I’ve not waited to post this up on my usual day as I didn’t want to give myself a chance to change my mind about posting it, I feel very nervous about posting this but I knew I’d feel worse in the long run if I didn’t.
Sorry, it’s a bit of a long one! They’ll still be another post going up on the normal day………….which for those who don’t know, is Tuesday.
Bye for now.